Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
