I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
