Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
