Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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