If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
