it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
