Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's never too late to be topless.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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