I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
