So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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