she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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