I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
