so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
