If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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