I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
pop tarts are not kleenex
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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