Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
