yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
