so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
