dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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