You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
