you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
