mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
