Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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