I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
im on a boat
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