Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
