i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My dad just said "fuck circus"
All I want is dick and wine.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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