im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
