she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
