I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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