In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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