i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
