Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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