Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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