My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
