After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
