I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
