I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
