she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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