Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
