Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
