I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
