I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
