Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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