I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
