look no pants
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She bit a glass in half.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
