im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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