Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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