Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
