I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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