My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
