farters have to be the big spoon...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
