I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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