Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
