so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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