Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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